Accepting Applications

I just want like, a butler.

That cooks for me, gets my iced coffees, does my laundry, drives me around, studies my coursework for me and heck, maybe even takes the tests for me. And when he is done doing the things that are absolutely necessary, like organizing my headbands, he can then bring my various iced beverages out to the pool.

I guess at that point he would become the pool boy.

Which I am totally fine with.

Then in the evenings, he would teach me to play beach volleyball, because I have no idea how to play, and help me perfect my flick of the frisbee.

At the end of the evening he would retire to his accessory living area outside of my yacht/house/estate, and would return in the morning to awaken me.

With the aforementioned iced coffee.

He would be the perfect balance of classy and hipster. None of this fancy suit business is required.

If you know anyone interested, I will be housesitting a beautiful, grandiose house in a wealthy neighborhood near Azusa for the rest of the week.

Auditions for the position will be held sometime on Saturday between the pool and the pottery-throwing room.

Those auditioning should be well-versed in my favorite wines, the amount of syrup I prefer in my iced coffee, and how I like my eggs.

A science-related degree would be appreciated. Preferably a doctorate.

Disclaimer: This post is somewhere between serious and joke-central. I'll let you decide exactly where on that scale it lies.