A Seed

I just sang three children to sleep. 

Hymns. 

First my two-year-old boyfriend, then his two older sisters.

And it took me back to a place I could only remember foggily. 

Memories of babysitting one of my favorite families. 

And singing those same hymns over a young girl while rocking her to sleep. 

A little girl that was attached to me and called me "Apert", but it made my heart melt every time because at least she called me something. 

A toddler who would later be found to have profound deafness, that explained so acutely her fear of bedtimes in the dark, where both sound and sight would be impaired for her. 

God softened my 19-year-old sarcastic heart for a tiny little girl, and I could never explain to anyone why. 

I frequently would tag-team babysit with my boyfriend at the time. After an hour of holding her, walking, singing, and rocking, when she would finally go to sleep, he would point out that special place in me. 

That I wouldn't do that for many kids. 

That I may have taught swim lessons for summers and summers, and led camp for kids of all ages, but that child was the first to really pierce through this tough girl's exterior. 

The love of a toddler that was always excited to see me, helped heal much of the heartache and inadequacy I battled.

God used Ashlyn to plant in me a seed of longing. 

Of longing to someday be someone's mother. 

That little baby I've gotten to watch grow since birth, is now an independent five-year-old that I can barely get a hug out of when I see her. 

And even when she chooses Kim over me, or freaking cats over me, I will always remember how God used that tiny body to win over my heart. 

And now I find myself in such a peculiar situation, that I was almost afraid God would use exactly the way He is using it. 

I have worked since high school, but any full-time work has always been limited to summer or winter breaks. Coming off of months of working 40 hour weeks at Target, I have tasted the independence and satisfaction of working life, and I love it. 

Now, I spend my afternoons, and some evenings, filling the shoes of a woman who would love nothing more than to get to be at home with her three beautiful children, but God has clearly said that that will not be the case right now. 

I long to be working, but I play "Mom" with my days. 

She would love to be at home, but she spends her days working. 

I thought I would be easily able to slip down to school for four months, graduate, and head right back home and back to work. 

But does the Lord ever work that way? Not in my life, anyway. 

Purposeful. He is so purposeful. 

Every single day has been so meticulously designed. 

This is my fourth week, and I am already undone at what He has been changing in me. 

What He has brought into the picture, and what He has removed. 

He is so good to us, and gives us desires we would never be able to conjure up with our hearts of stone. 

Terrible Twos-Day

It's like the minute you say you're having a great time, you get thrown a really hard day that leaves you dead on the floor at 5:30 in the evening.

Today was the pits.

The last few days have been hit and miss, with some really great times with friends and family back home, and some real challenging predicaments that I only wish I could talk about.

I hate that feeling of sending out an SOS on a Tuesday night, when I have so much to be thankful for and be joyous about.

But that's our condition, right? Never satisfied with what we have. Never able to completely trust what God is doing without knowledge of the future. Pretty damn positive that we know what is best.

Then boom.

Shot down on a Tuesday.

Left feeling alone, swamped by the prospect of the future, with a normally bubbly two-year-old that just can't stop crying.

I hate to say this, but I think that just may be how this semester will be.

Periods of great fun, laughs, and soaking in this last semester with treasured friends.

And periods of what the hell is going on?

Now, if you'll excuse me, we're off to the bar.

Translocated

I snuck away.

To school.

For four months.

To a cute room, walk-in closet and bathroom.

On the bottom floor of a brand new home in a community at the base of the foothills.

To take my last two undergraduate classes.

And be a live-in nanny for a Christian family.

They prefer "au pair".

I laugh, because there is nothing blonde, au-pair-esque or Swedish about me.

The past seven days have been great.

Minus the shin splints I had in high school returning with a vengeance.

But I've become an expert in the art of KT taping over the last few days, so fear not.

That's where I am, folks.

Probably be going back and forth from here to home for the next 4 months, because you can't keep this girl away from her roots.

Or her friends.

Eve

I have to laugh a little when I look back at where God has carried me to since Christmas Eve of 2011. He has changed a lot in this life in 365 days, purging me of things that kept me from Him.

Like a multitude of sins.

And social media.

And boyfriends.

God dealt me my hardest year so far, but only that I might me made even an ounce more like his son.

He gave me the most refining year to date.

He has prepared me more to be a wife and a mother than I could have ever hoped.

Events that I prayed and prayed and prayed would be over soon, I now look back on and see how they strengthened me more than any fairy tale ending could have.

In the moment, I hated every minute of some days. Every single minute. Because I knew I was in the process of losing control of my own plans and wishes.

I dated men that I won't marry, and it's alright!

I know some of you will pity me for that, but I don't look back and regret those decisions. I have enjoyed being pursued by and getting to know young men that love Jesus, because there is a real-ness and an honesty there that is refreshing.

I have a job that I actually really enjoy. Even when the hours are long, I get to interact with people that make up the reality of the Bay Area. It has been a blessing to expand my perspective to more than a "bubble of believers".

Plus. A discount at Target? A blessing in itself.

Nepal? Lets face it, I could go on for days about that place and the people it holds. Absolutely everything is different now.

This Christmas Eve, I am in a place a hundred miles from where I was last Christmas Eve.

All has changed.

But, once again, it's time to play the traditional Christmas Eve Monopoly with my parents and brothers.

Some things haven't changed at all.

I cannot wait to tell you about 2013.

Christmas and Missions

“'As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world.' (John 17:18)
Christmas is a model for missions. Missions is a mirror of Christmas. As I, so you.

For example, danger. Christ came to his own and his own received him not. So you. They plotted against him. So you. He had no permanent home. So you. They trumped up false charges against him. So you. They whipped and mocked him. So you. He died after three years of ministry. So you.

But there is a worse danger than any of these which Jesus escaped. So you!!

In the mid-16th century Francis Xavier (1506–1552), a Catholic missionary, wrote to Father Perez of Malacca (today part of Indonesia) about the perils of his mission to China. He said,

'The danger of all dangers would be to lose trust and confidence in the mercy of God. . . To distrust him would be a far more terrible thing than any physical evil which all the enemies of God put together could inflict on us, for without God’s permission neither the devils nor their human ministers could hinder us in the slightest degree.'

The greatest danger a missionary faces is to distrust the mercy of God. If that danger is avoided, then all other dangers lose their sting.

God makes every dagger a scepter in our hand. As J.W. Alexander says, “Each instant of present labor is to be graciously repaid with a million ages of glory.”

Christ escaped the danger of distrust. Therefore God has highly exalted him!

Remember this Advent that Christmas is a model for missions. As I, so you. And that mission means danger. And that the greatest danger is distrusting God’s mercy. Succumb to this and all is lost. Conquer here and nothing can harm you for a million ages."

-"Dangerous Mission"

Find Joy

"When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. After coming into the house they saw the Child with Mary His mother; and they fell to the ground and worshiped Him. Then, opening their treasures, they presented to Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh." (Matthew 2:10–11)

One of my devotionals walked through Matthew 2:10-11 today.

Do I, and we, bring everything we have to the feet of Christ? Saying, "I want to find joy in nothing but Jesus"?

The magi knew not what Jesus would do in his life, let alone of his work on the cross, yet they still brought him gifts of great value. Not because Christ needed them, but rather that they might say "Take these, for you are more precious to me than any worldly thing."

That is something I battle daily, as I think a lot of us do. Is Jesus more precious to me than any thing, person, concept, dream, goal, or success?

He is ALL we need.

Let us lay everything, that pails in comparison to the joy of knowing him, at his feet.

Knock Me Down, and Drag Me Out

Jersey was a blessing. I will tell you all about it.

Soon.

But first?

I wish I was one who learned quickly, who saw her mistakes as they were laid out in front of her, and didn't need to be dragged through the trenches kicking and screaming to see the err in her ways.

When my pride is at its worst, and sin is taking ahold of this life, it often results in a knockdown dragout fight between myself and the Lord.

And it is solely by his grace that I can eventually succumb to his tender words of "Enough, child. Enough."

I know that it is because of his great love for his people that we are shown our need for him.

He disciplines those he loves.

His kindness is what leads us to repentance.

But so often, I wish that the road was easier. That there was a less painful way for the Father to make us like Christ. That we didn't have to hurt each other in the process of figuring out what this life is to look like.

Our God is one of grace, forgiveness, and peace.

So I am thankful for the knockdowns and the dragouts. For the midnight phone calls. For the anger-driven chats in the center of Times Square. For the mile-long e-mails that I never want to open. For all the tough conversations on park benches, sidewalks, and front steps.

Because they've drawn me closer to Jesus, by showing me my desperate need of him and only him.