The Beginning

I don't know that one can say that my wandering is only beginning today, when it is more likely that I have been wandering for quite some time now. There have been times where my wandering has been a result of lacking a purpose, missing motivation, and feeling useless. A couple of years ago I would have been ashamed to call myself a wanderer, a nomad, or anything-without-a-set-future.

But the Lord has humbled me.

He has made it so clear that in this period of my life, there have been and there will be times when I feel aimless. There will be moments when I am so scared of what may be coming next, when I feel like running from what He has laid out in front of me, and when I feel like forsaking this season for something more concrete. In fact, I have already experienced a few of those moments. Like when I was the absolute last person to move out of the dorm building I was a Resident Advisor in this past school year. Or when I couldn't bring myself to take the parking permits off of my car from the last two years at this university. Or when I was overcome with anxiety at the idea of traveling across the world for six weeks, for fear of what would change when I was gone. And most recently, when I was overwhelmed with sorrow at leaving Nepal, knowing that I was headed back to a period of uncertainty and transition.

Let me back up a little.

You see, I am terribly afraid of change. Even change that is so very needed. Because it is in change and transition, that I fall victim to Satan's lies. His lies that seep in and convince me that I am spinning out of control. His lies that whisper to me that I need to make a plan for this next year (or ten), or I am not going to be of any use. His stabbing lies that tell me that if I was worth as much to my Father as the Bible says I am, then He would have made my plans work out.

But Satan is a vicious liar, and that's all he'll ever be. I spent too long believing his lies and falling victim to anxiety over what my future would or would not contain. But as I called out to Him, the God of the universe began dragging me through the sludge I had built up around myself, by dousing me in Scripture, supportive parents, beloved friends, therapy, and constant reminders that He is faithful and He is mighty to save.

I had known that He is gracious, and my life is nothing but a testament to His faithfulness in the past. But I had forgotten much of His character, and convinced myself that my life was in my own hands, and I needed to grab ahold of it. I made my way over to "The Wanderings" from a previous blog I have had on and off since January of 2009, called Waiting Quietly. But the theme of what I crave to write about these days, just doesn't fit under that title. Hence, this piece of work came to be.

I can promise you that this blog will contain transitioning out of school and into home, back into school for a short while next year, and a whole lot of transitioning out of Nepal all over the place. There will be happy posts with testaments to God's mercy and love, and sad ones as I process where I am at and where I have been. There will be fun posts with recipes, crafts, embarrassing disasters, and the chronicles of adventures with friends that are living gifts of grace in my life. It may be all over the place at times, but I pray that it is always an accurate depiction of where I am in the shadow of the Almighty.

So please, join me, or don't, as I strive to follow the Lord's call to do my absolute best, for His glory, with what He has placed in front of me right now.

Even as I wander, He is alongside.

For not all those who wander are lost.