The 10th of August

I love being reminded how sovereign our God is. Amen?

I was getting dressed to head out for the evening, when I felt strongly that my night would be better spent dwelling in the scriptures and seeking the Lord in prayer.

So, I grabbed the Word and my post-Nepal journal, and sat myself on the couch, asking "Okay, Lord, where to?"

As I wrote today's date in my journal, I was reminded that a year ago I was on Walkabout, a ten-day backpacking trip through the Ansel Adams Wilderness, that is a key part of the training that APU's Residence Life puts their RA's through before each year begins. All of the RA's are broken into teams of between 8 and 12, and placed with usually two experienced guides and a medical guide, all APU-associated or friends of APU alumni or staff.

Team Racer

Our team set off on a long trek through the wilderness to Lake Rutherford, the most beautiful of spots, where we then spent 48 hours on "solo". This solo period is spent all on your own, with only the most basic of items, with as much water as you can pump through the filter and ONE solitary CLIF bar. We were dropped off in our solo spots after dinner on the third night of our trip, and were picked up by our guides 48 hours later. We had whistles in case of an emergency, but our guides kept a general eye on us throughout the time span, from a vista point above the lake.

I could see one of my team members in her spot across the lake, but otherwise, I was alone.

Alone at over 10,000 feet, with just a sleeping bag and mat, sleeping under the stars.

Lake Rutherford 

My spot was just to the left of this picture, right at the water's edge.

When asked, my pastor had suggested that I read through the Psalms while on Walkabout. That first night of solo found me in the seventh Psalm, as I continued into the 8th.

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8:3-4 (ESV)

Yeah.

I mean, as can be expected, all I have written in the margin is "WOW".

In a place like Lake Rutherford, dwelling alone for 48 hours in His presence, what else can one say?

And at the end of Psalm 8?

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!"

I had one little pen available to me, and it's blue (uncharacteristic) ink is scratched thin in the underlining of these lines.

So as I am reading through those couple of Psalms tonight, I am made aware that that first night of solo, was August 10th, 2011.

Today? August 10th, 2012.

So much has seemingly changed. Tonight I watched the sun set from a men's slow pitch softball game instead of the tips of mountaintops, and I will soon crawl into my big bed instead of a heavily insulated sleeping bag on the rocky ground. But in the scheme of things, nothing has changed.

I am still messy, and His creation is still beautifully hand-crafted.

I am still insecure, and He is still majestic.

I am still feeling inadequate, and He is still sovereign.


Just for kicks...

This is how our team slept the first couple nights before each heading out on solo, all lined up. 

And THIS is how we slept every night after our two-night solo. 

You learn to appreciate the company of believers. 

I love these individuals. 

Ten bucks if you can guess which sleeping bag is me in each picture. 

:)

The Beginning

I don't know that one can say that my wandering is only beginning today, when it is more likely that I have been wandering for quite some time now. There have been times where my wandering has been a result of lacking a purpose, missing motivation, and feeling useless. A couple of years ago I would have been ashamed to call myself a wanderer, a nomad, or anything-without-a-set-future.

But the Lord has humbled me.

He has made it so clear that in this period of my life, there have been and there will be times when I feel aimless. There will be moments when I am so scared of what may be coming next, when I feel like running from what He has laid out in front of me, and when I feel like forsaking this season for something more concrete. In fact, I have already experienced a few of those moments. Like when I was the absolute last person to move out of the dorm building I was a Resident Advisor in this past school year. Or when I couldn't bring myself to take the parking permits off of my car from the last two years at this university. Or when I was overcome with anxiety at the idea of traveling across the world for six weeks, for fear of what would change when I was gone. And most recently, when I was overwhelmed with sorrow at leaving Nepal, knowing that I was headed back to a period of uncertainty and transition.

Let me back up a little.

You see, I am terribly afraid of change. Even change that is so very needed. Because it is in change and transition, that I fall victim to Satan's lies. His lies that seep in and convince me that I am spinning out of control. His lies that whisper to me that I need to make a plan for this next year (or ten), or I am not going to be of any use. His stabbing lies that tell me that if I was worth as much to my Father as the Bible says I am, then He would have made my plans work out.

But Satan is a vicious liar, and that's all he'll ever be. I spent too long believing his lies and falling victim to anxiety over what my future would or would not contain. But as I called out to Him, the God of the universe began dragging me through the sludge I had built up around myself, by dousing me in Scripture, supportive parents, beloved friends, therapy, and constant reminders that He is faithful and He is mighty to save.

I had known that He is gracious, and my life is nothing but a testament to His faithfulness in the past. But I had forgotten much of His character, and convinced myself that my life was in my own hands, and I needed to grab ahold of it. I made my way over to "The Wanderings" from a previous blog I have had on and off since January of 2009, called Waiting Quietly. But the theme of what I crave to write about these days, just doesn't fit under that title. Hence, this piece of work came to be.

I can promise you that this blog will contain transitioning out of school and into home, back into school for a short while next year, and a whole lot of transitioning out of Nepal all over the place. There will be happy posts with testaments to God's mercy and love, and sad ones as I process where I am at and where I have been. There will be fun posts with recipes, crafts, embarrassing disasters, and the chronicles of adventures with friends that are living gifts of grace in my life. It may be all over the place at times, but I pray that it is always an accurate depiction of where I am in the shadow of the Almighty.

So please, join me, or don't, as I strive to follow the Lord's call to do my absolute best, for His glory, with what He has placed in front of me right now.

Even as I wander, He is alongside.

For not all those who wander are lost.