"Love Does"

I am in the middle of reading a book entitled "Love Does" by Bob Goff, per the recommendation of my new friend Grant that I met in Nepal. I am not one who usually thinks to go out and purchase a book that someone has said "oh you've really got to read this". But, Grant simply said "this book is magnificent", and explained a little bit of it to me. Upon arriving home, I found the book on a friend's bookshelf.

So, I borrowed it without asking, and here we are.

What? I figured if it was that magnificent, a little thievery and mischief was justified.

Anyways, it's very good. I recommend it. Highly. I am currently 143 pages into 224 sheets of its goodness. So unless it just really plummets towards a black hole in the next 80 pages, I would suggest that you either go out and purchase the tangible version, download it to those wonderful electronic book device things, ask around among your friends, or just conveniently invite yourself over to your friends houses and sneakily scan their shelves until you find it.

Goff writes on many topics prominent in today's Christianity, and it's been an interesting aid as I begin to wrestle with the differences between Christianity in the United States compared to essentially everywhere else.

His chapter "Hearing Aid" is one of my favorites so far.

"I think God passes me by a lot, and it serve sot show me the direction He's going. We don't always know where He's headed or what to expect along the way. But I think direction is the point, the part, and whole of it. He wants followers, not just onlookers or people taking notes. Plus, I think God knows that if I found out more than just the direction He was going, I'd probably try to beat Him there. And if He spoke to me with something audible, I'd probably mess it up and mishear Him." (p. 142) 

"I think God's hope and plan for us is pretty simple to figure out. For those who resonate with formulas, here it is: add your whole life, your loves, your passions, and your interests together with what God said He wants us to be about, and that's your answer." (p. 143) 

If you have a free couple of days, read it.

But be ready to wrestle through what it means to love, as a follower of Jesus Christ.

Hey Home

Sometimes I just wander around the apartment complex I'm staying in, the campus of my university, the city I live in (okay not really), and the state of California as a whole. Yesterday I found myself wandering to the parking garage, wandering into my car, and wandering seven hours north to home. Yep. It was semi-planned, it was semi un-planned.

It's how I roll.

See, this year I have been shown very clearly how important it is for me to avoid situations that will elevate my anxiety or cause my brain to spin faster than it should. For example, during the week I found myself lying alone in the apartment on my temporary bed, listening to the music I had on repeat in Nepal, wearing a shirt I bought in Nepal, watching videos I had taken of the children in Nepal...

Abort mission, people, freaking abort.

Thankfully, I snapped out of it, threw on a swimsuit, met a friend at the pool, and talked about Nepal with him while reading. It's all about doses. In my slow and agonizing process of slowly becoming an "adult", it's become apparent to me that I can only handle difficult things in doses. And I think that's how it should be.

I doubt that my most beneficial post-Nepal-processing will be done alone in an apartment. It will be done while swimming with friends, talking about whatever pieces of Nepal may cross my mind. Or reading in silence with my roommate, and being able to pipe up with a memory, whether pleasant or painful, and talk through it with her. That's a beautiful part of Christian community, knowing that I am free to speak up and process aloud what I am thinking, and be supported by the people I trust and adore.

This is a big weekend up in San Mateo, including the Olympic Party thrown every opening ceremony by Kim last night, and there was already a strong desire in me to be home for that. So when Azusa was beginning to look like a ghost-town for the weekend, my brain said "Margaret, let's get the heck out of here". And my heart said, "Amen, brain."

Thus, here we are. In a safe place for me to do whatever class-related things and Nepal-related things I need to.

Sidenote: I am in Azusa for a class, Cancer Biology, that I am taking independent study. So basically, I get all the information, study it on my own, and take the tests. I just took a test, and have a week or two before the next one. It's very self-designed and self-motivated, so basically it has the potential to be a DISASTER for someone like myself. I'm sure you'll be hearing more about it as it progresses.

The Beginning

I don't know that one can say that my wandering is only beginning today, when it is more likely that I have been wandering for quite some time now. There have been times where my wandering has been a result of lacking a purpose, missing motivation, and feeling useless. A couple of years ago I would have been ashamed to call myself a wanderer, a nomad, or anything-without-a-set-future.

But the Lord has humbled me.

He has made it so clear that in this period of my life, there have been and there will be times when I feel aimless. There will be moments when I am so scared of what may be coming next, when I feel like running from what He has laid out in front of me, and when I feel like forsaking this season for something more concrete. In fact, I have already experienced a few of those moments. Like when I was the absolute last person to move out of the dorm building I was a Resident Advisor in this past school year. Or when I couldn't bring myself to take the parking permits off of my car from the last two years at this university. Or when I was overcome with anxiety at the idea of traveling across the world for six weeks, for fear of what would change when I was gone. And most recently, when I was overwhelmed with sorrow at leaving Nepal, knowing that I was headed back to a period of uncertainty and transition.

Let me back up a little.

You see, I am terribly afraid of change. Even change that is so very needed. Because it is in change and transition, that I fall victim to Satan's lies. His lies that seep in and convince me that I am spinning out of control. His lies that whisper to me that I need to make a plan for this next year (or ten), or I am not going to be of any use. His stabbing lies that tell me that if I was worth as much to my Father as the Bible says I am, then He would have made my plans work out.

But Satan is a vicious liar, and that's all he'll ever be. I spent too long believing his lies and falling victim to anxiety over what my future would or would not contain. But as I called out to Him, the God of the universe began dragging me through the sludge I had built up around myself, by dousing me in Scripture, supportive parents, beloved friends, therapy, and constant reminders that He is faithful and He is mighty to save.

I had known that He is gracious, and my life is nothing but a testament to His faithfulness in the past. But I had forgotten much of His character, and convinced myself that my life was in my own hands, and I needed to grab ahold of it. I made my way over to "The Wanderings" from a previous blog I have had on and off since January of 2009, called Waiting Quietly. But the theme of what I crave to write about these days, just doesn't fit under that title. Hence, this piece of work came to be.

I can promise you that this blog will contain transitioning out of school and into home, back into school for a short while next year, and a whole lot of transitioning out of Nepal all over the place. There will be happy posts with testaments to God's mercy and love, and sad ones as I process where I am at and where I have been. There will be fun posts with recipes, crafts, embarrassing disasters, and the chronicles of adventures with friends that are living gifts of grace in my life. It may be all over the place at times, but I pray that it is always an accurate depiction of where I am in the shadow of the Almighty.

So please, join me, or don't, as I strive to follow the Lord's call to do my absolute best, for His glory, with what He has placed in front of me right now.

Even as I wander, He is alongside.

For not all those who wander are lost.