A Seed

I just sang three children to sleep. 

Hymns. 

First my two-year-old boyfriend, then his two older sisters.

And it took me back to a place I could only remember foggily. 

Memories of babysitting one of my favorite families. 

And singing those same hymns over a young girl while rocking her to sleep. 

A little girl that was attached to me and called me "Apert", but it made my heart melt every time because at least she called me something. 

A toddler who would later be found to have profound deafness, that explained so acutely her fear of bedtimes in the dark, where both sound and sight would be impaired for her. 

God softened my 19-year-old sarcastic heart for a tiny little girl, and I could never explain to anyone why. 

I frequently would tag-team babysit with my boyfriend at the time. After an hour of holding her, walking, singing, and rocking, when she would finally go to sleep, he would point out that special place in me. 

That I wouldn't do that for many kids. 

That I may have taught swim lessons for summers and summers, and led camp for kids of all ages, but that child was the first to really pierce through this tough girl's exterior. 

The love of a toddler that was always excited to see me, helped heal much of the heartache and inadequacy I battled.

God used Ashlyn to plant in me a seed of longing. 

Of longing to someday be someone's mother. 

That little baby I've gotten to watch grow since birth, is now an independent five-year-old that I can barely get a hug out of when I see her. 

And even when she chooses Kim over me, or freaking cats over me, I will always remember how God used that tiny body to win over my heart. 

And now I find myself in such a peculiar situation, that I was almost afraid God would use exactly the way He is using it. 

I have worked since high school, but any full-time work has always been limited to summer or winter breaks. Coming off of months of working 40 hour weeks at Target, I have tasted the independence and satisfaction of working life, and I love it. 

Now, I spend my afternoons, and some evenings, filling the shoes of a woman who would love nothing more than to get to be at home with her three beautiful children, but God has clearly said that that will not be the case right now. 

I long to be working, but I play "Mom" with my days. 

She would love to be at home, but she spends her days working. 

I thought I would be easily able to slip down to school for four months, graduate, and head right back home and back to work. 

But does the Lord ever work that way? Not in my life, anyway. 

Purposeful. He is so purposeful. 

Every single day has been so meticulously designed. 

This is my fourth week, and I am already undone at what He has been changing in me. 

What He has brought into the picture, and what He has removed. 

He is so good to us, and gives us desires we would never be able to conjure up with our hearts of stone.